Ready, set, Sawadee-kah...except, this time, I mean goodbye.

Well, well...what to say? It's the start of the final countdown to the end of our time here in Thailand and I've managed to avoid blogging for almost the entire last half of the trip. Fail on my part. There's plenty to share and tons to say, but finding the right words for it all...that's the hard part. First, let's play a little bit of catch-up.
      We've been in Chiang Mai (northern Thailand and the second largest city) for about 4 weeks. We have been working/volunteering at a RAD as all get out coffee shop that stand right across the street from Chiang Mai University. It goes by the name of Wongen Kafe and it's run by an amazing Thai lady named Emmi. Ready for a cool little story? Well, as it happens, about a week before my team decided to leave Phuket and come up here, before we ever got in contact with Emmi, Emmi had a dream/vision that there would be a random team of 8 people coming to Wongen soon. Teams normally book weeks or months in advance. A few days after her dream, we called asking if there was room for us to come up there on just about a weeks notice. What could Emmi say but yes? God had told her we would come and awesomely enough, there was room for us! So, we've been living above the cafe at night, and during the day serving food, helping out with open mic nights, worship nights, and just getting to know and hanging out with all the cool people that come to the coffee shop. Also, we are still doing our bar ministry here, as well as, helping out occasionally with English clinics at the university and going to a poorer part of the city ("slums") to hang out with the people there and play with kids, paint their faces, etc. It's been such a sweet sweet sweet time here! Also, Chiang Mai isn't as humid as Phuket, so we aren't constantly wondering around in a state of sweaty misery. It's fantastic.
       Just 7 more days and we begin our debrief period. Three or so "free" days here in Chiang Mai then we head to Bangkok for 3 days (where I plan on hiding indoors at our hotel the whole time due to the overly hot and humid weather that resides in that smoggy city.) and then it's back to New Zealand to be reunited with the rest of our DTS outreach teams!! It's insane to think it's been 3 months...it's insane to think that it's all coming to an end, and it's insane to think back on all the crazy things that God has done during our time here. It's also insane to think that I started out on this journey almost 6 months ago doubting the very existence of God. But after everything that's happened, I have no doubt in my mind that God is, well...God. And He's amazing. And, that is that for me.

Changes are a-happenin'

    Ok, well I figure it's been a long enough time since I last blogged here so, why not toss another little "update" out? So, let's get straight to business...or should I say, updating.

Baking cookies with the neighborhood girls

        My team is relocating from Phuket ("poo-ket") in southern Thailand up north to Chiang Mai, the second largest city in Thailand. I'm extremely sad about having to leave behind the friendships we've made with the Thai girls that work here at SHE and the kids around our neighborhood. I absolutely love them! It's also sad that we are leaving the ministry we had helped Mark and Sharon (owners of S.H.E.) pioneer in a section of Phuket called Chalong. But, on Friday we were blessed by one of the girls we had befriended in Chalong come to tour and have lunch at S.H.E. While she personally does not plan on coming here, she said she will be telling the other girls she works with about this place. Hopefully that will begin to open doors.
       During our time here, there's been many amazing stories and we've met so many flippin rad people. God's definitely been moving and working-crashing down entire bar filled streets, bringing girls back to life, enabling members of my team to begin the process of rescuing young girls from abusive homes, the list goes on and on. I apologize if it seems like I'm just brushing these things aside-I'm really not. I just don't feel I can do these stories justice by blogging them to a wide-open cyber-space where anyone and everyone can read them. It's not that I don't want to share them, but these stories are real. They actually happened and I can't bring myself to just casually and impersonally blog them to who knows who. On that note, if you are reading this, and you do want to hear more about the things that have been happening over here, feel free to ask! I'd love to answer and talk about them :)

       On lighter notes, in a few hours we are off to Chiang Mai to begin work with an organization called Lighthouse. I'm not entirely clear what all we will be doing yet, but I've heard tail that there's a Fair Trade coffee shop for us to volunteer at, working in the rice fields with locals, and tons of other opportunities to "embrace" the Thai culture. Woot woot. It's gonna be rad. And I've been told Chiang Mai has sweet as elephant tours and Thai cooking classes. Also, it's supposedly cooler than down south-aka- I might, MIGHT need a coat at night...I might cry a bit out of joy if that's the case. Oh and my hair is now red. RED. Oh yes. K, bye.

Land of the Thai's...here I come.

Well folks, the time has come. The hour draws near. It's the final countdown, etc, etc. I am leaving for Thailand on Wednesday afternoon, or, for most of you back in the States, on Tuesday. (Thank you time zones.) It's crazy to think I've already been here for 3 months. But now, class is out and it's time to put to practice all that we've learned. Ironically, despite our large population of Europeans here, my team consists of all Americans- Stephanie, Rachel, Becca, Sam, Robert, and my fellow Californian, Lauren. We will be staying in Phuket working with an organization called SHE-Self-Help and Empowerment. They provide a safe home for girls who have left prostitution and desire to start a new life. They teach them skills such as jewelry making, etc. so that they can start a new life with a new job. Another aspect of our ministry will be going out into the bars and clubs and talking to the girls. Basically, building relationships with them, getting to know them, and letting them know about SHE.  Most of the girls we will be meeting are there because they have no other job skills and cannot make as much money any other way. They have families, husbands, parents, children, to support. As sad as it is, it's still hopeful in the sense that they are not forced to be there. They have free-will to leave if they choose. So, once we tell them about SHE, they can choose to leave prostitution and the bars/clubs and come live at SHE. Here's a link to SHE's facebook page if you would like to read more about them:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000165861337#!/group.php?gid=5847255795

     I'm super stoked about this new adventure and set of pace! It will be exciting to see how God works over the 3 months. (And I really do mean that.) Please keep me and my team in your thoughts and prayers! We will be going pretty hardcore, staying up lates nights, and waking up early mornings due to our schedule. But it should be well worth it! Thank you and love ya all! (Unless you're a creeper reading this...)

...Still no deep, meaningful title. Sorry.

See, this is why I should never post blogs in 2 parts. Because, instead of just posting part 2 the day after part 1, as promised, it's now several days later. And as a result, I don't feel as intensely about the issue I started sharing about it part 1. This is why I used to always do any school papers all at one time. Not in stupid outlines, rough drafts, and final drafts. I lose motivation and passion. I don't like to talk about or share personal things unless I'm feeling passionate about them. (This might be a bit of a problem on outreach when we're expected to share on a moments notice...joy.)

     Anywho, all in all, what my conclusion to "part 2" was going to be, is that God doesn't stop existing JUST because I stop believing. He doesn't change or become corrupted just because someone has a false view of Him. Most of us are always going to have questions and doubts about God and what He's "letting" happen in our world. But it's up to us to CHOOSE to believe in His justness (I'm really not sure if that's a word or not. Hopefully you get what I mean.) and absolute love for us. People tend to just sit around going "touch me Jesus! Touch me!" Well, in the words of last weeks speaker (who was very, very, SUPERBLY loud.) "Why don't you get up and touch Him yourself???" Sound harsh? It is. Well, when said like that. But really, it's amazing because it means God is always there, asking "what do you want?" (And let's be mature people. I'm not talking in terms of ponies and barbies.) We just have to make the choice to acknowledge Him and that He is exactly who He says He IS.
    
Now, those words that I just typed, might sound like I'm pointing them at you. And, in a way, I guess I am, since I wrote them here and not in a personal journal. And if they help you at all, then woot woot! 10 points for blogging. However, the main point of me writing them was to share with you where I am at in my life with God. I still have doubts about God. It's not like they just magically disappeared because I heard all that last week. They didn't even go away after a couple of days of me "consciously" choosing to believe in God. It's an on-going process. Some days it's easier, other days...well, ya know. But all in all, I am so thankful for the fact that there is a God who not only loves my flippin guts, but is unchanging and just in all His ways. Meaning-He's all-powerful AND all-loving. Take that and rewind it back. Yes, I did just say that. And as tempted as I am to erase it and pretend I never wrote such a phrase...I'll leave it there, in hopes (once again), that no one reads this.
And one last little note, I find everything I just said rather humorous in the fact that if anyone reading this does not believe in God- you probably think there's a lot of fault with everything I just said. And there very well could be. Often times I even think there is. BUT, if God is truly TRULY true...then just because you don't agree with what I just said, doesn't change God one bit. Think about it-if He's real and unchanging, then He doesn't stop existing just because you don't believe in Him. I say that, not to "push" it down people's throats (because I hate when Christians do that), but merely because I think the whole theory in itself is rather amusing. Even more so if it's true. Which, I believe it is. But that doesn't really matter now does it?
     So, there you have it. My thoughts for...the entire last 2 months. In two blogs. And, hopefully a bit more real without the little, cheesy Christianese quips here and there. (Though, they may occasionally pop up due to lack of other phrases available to describe what I want to say. But, worry not. It will be followed by a sincere apology.)

On a happy note though- on Sunday me and 8 others from the group took a day trip to Rotorua, other wise known as Roto-vegas. It's one of the biggest tourist towns in New Zealand, so obviously, we went. While there we went zorbing (sticking yourself in a giant, human-sized hamster ball getting rolled down a hill, anyone?), relaxed in natural (free) hot springs in the middle of the jungle, and went sight-seeing at a geo-thermal park that seemed like something out of Jurassic Park. If a velociraptor had popped out of the bushes, I wouldn't have been surprised. Scared crapless, but not surprised.

I can't think of a deep, touching title so, this will have to do.

Agh, ok, here goes another blog. Two blogs in less than 2 weeks is a little too much if you ask me. But I felt I really needed to write this blog and I had a bit of an "apology" to give. Which, I think this is all rather ridiculous being as I doubt anyone reads this blog anyways? My thinking might just be due the fact that, to be completely honest, I rarely read other people's blogs, so I guess I figure no one reads mine. But, on the off chance people do...I'm going to write this. If people don't...well then, I can be content with this being my on-line journal. That's also ironic because I hate journaling. (If that's even a word.) Anyways, moving on. (A little note to the words ahead- if you are reading them, take the time to read it all, and the second part blog when it comes before you just assume I've gone nuts and am in need of severe Christian reprimand.)
 So, in this little blog/journal entry, I just want to say, in regards to some things I said in my last two posts (and only other posts on here at the moment.) I gag a little when I reread them. Why, you may ask? Because I wasn't being completely real. I was, once again, as I've done my entire life, trying to fit in to what I thought all the Christians reading this (assuming people read this) expected of me-"a young, Godly girl out to bring God to the nations." Oh boy. Once again, a little gag reflex going on. So, let me take a second chance at being real and a little more down to earth:
     Since I came here, I have been battling with tons and tons of doubts about God and who He is and...ready for it? If He even EXISTS. Yep, I said it. I was almost completely convinced on certain days that there was no possible way that the God of the Bible could exist..and even if He did, He clearly was not who I had been raised to believe He was. Therefore, I determined that I would have to take a "fair and equal" look at ALL religions and beliefs before carefully choosing what best suited my view of the world. (At this point, I'm slightly hoping that I'm right in assuming no one reads this, because this isn't something you would have caught me dead admitting to anyone even a few weeks ago) I set out for New Zealand thinking I would come here, "observe" the Christian faith through "opened" eyes and once done here, move on to study another religion. HA. That was a joke of a plan.

     All in all, the last 7 weeks here has been one of the most painful struggles of my life. I became an angry, easily offended, offish person. I had a weight on my shoulders and in my chest that I had never experienced before, and I'm not speaking metaphorically. Some days, it was literally hard for me to breathe, because I felt so consumed with this anger and confusion and doubt. (And I'm sure some would love to argue it was due to a change in elevation, but sensing it came several weeks after being here, I beg to differ.) I started trying to distance myself from the other people here. The only people I was really open and honest with was my "one-on-one" girl, Abby, and my friend Sam. It wasn't that I disliked anyone else or didn't trust them, but I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I just couldn't come to terms with myself and new found lack of belief. I've been raised in a Christian environment all my life. I had never even thought about the possibility of God not existing, I hadn't really thought about it at all. I just took it for granted. If mum and dad and my youth pastor said God existed, then, sure, He existed. That was immature thinking on my part, and it lead to my world being shaken up hardcore. But, as weird as it may sound, I'm thankful that it happened. Because it broke my preconceived, shallow beliefs that there was a God merely because I had been told so. For the first time, I had to looked at myself and the world around me and seriously questioned-How the crap did we all get here and why the crap is the world so screwed up? I had alot of questions to ask, and alot of answers to find, and little did I realize, I had been placed in the best spot possible to begin to unravel things.
      It's getting late here and I think this blog is already long enough, so I'm going to break here. I'll post the second part tomorrow hopefully. I highly doubt anyone is too bummed by that, because I highly doubt there's anyone reading this, excitedly anticipating the "sequel." But that is fine by me. Haha.

The Cave

Mumford and Sons has been by far one of my favorite bands while here in New Zealand. "The Cave" is definitely one of their greater songs, but to be honest, I had never really payed attention to the lyrics.(It's hard to when you're busy doing the river dance and Irish jig every time the song plays.) Well, yesterday, our new speaker for the week, Mark Parker, played it and put up the lyrics...and may I just say- mind blown. I didn't realize how incredibly relevant this song is to what I'm experiencing here in YWAM...I dare say, it's what we are ALL experiencing here. I'm starting to learn how to live my life how it's meant to be And it's amazing. Tough, but so amazing. It reminds me why I'm even here in the first place...for the widows and the orphans, for the poor and the oppressed, for justice and love, for JESUS. So, I couldn't help but put up the words for all ya'll to see. Oh, and if you haven't heard the song..well, get on it! Youtube is a beautiful thing.

The Cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Update numero dos

     Hey ya'll. Sorry it's been a while since I wrote a blog, but I don't really want to post things unless I have something to worthwhile to write about.

      So, I've been here in Auckland, New Zealand for almost 3 weeks now. The "honey moon" phase is over, but I'm still loving it here and learning and seeing new things every day.  And just for those of you who might still be unclear on what exactly I'm doing over here- I am with a branch of an organization called YWAM: Youth With A Mission. Our group of 20 people from all over the world, ages 18-35, came together here in Auckland for 3 months to do a Justice school. Essentially, we are learning about all sorts of justice issues, such as human trafficking, slavery, genocide, poverty, orphans, etc. Then after 3 months of classes, they send us out into another country to actually WORK with some of these issues for 3 months. And all the while, we still get to travel around a bit on our free time and sightsee and explore.

     There's just a few things I wanted to update ya'll on:
1. Some interesting news not many people seem to know in the states- Prostitution is actually legal over here. And they actually DO have a fairly nasty problem with human trafficking and forced prostitution. That was a question alot of people were asking me about when I first signed up to come over here. The road, "K' Road", that we walk on everyday to get to and from the hostel to the church where we have our classes is pretty much Auckland's version of 4th Street in Reno- aka- lots of prostitutes and sex shops, etc. Commonly at night, out our window, we hear the prostitutes making deals with their potential "customers" then jumping in the car to leave with them. It's not the most peaceful thing to fall asleep to. Sadly, there aren't really any organizations we're really connected with who are working to stop the underage prostitution here. But we are encouraged by our leaders that if we do come in contact with any of the girls, legal age or not, as well as the many homeless that live here, to try to build relationships with them-talk to them, take them to coffee or lunch, just be there for them. I haven't had a chance to do so yet, but I'm hoping that an opportunity comes my way. So, for those of you who pray, please be in prayer for the relationships built while here and that some good can come from our time here.

And! My most exciting announcement: 2. Last Wednesday we were giving our options for countries to go to on outreach phase. The two main options were: South Africa, working in the slums with a disabled children's home. Middle East-either Israel or Jordan, working with refugees and teaching English. And lastly, they gave us a 'wild card' option that I don't think they really planned on doing, but felt called to give us a third choice. So, we got the option of either Thailand, working with rehab homes for girls rescued from trafficking and forced prostitution, or Vanuatu, a small island near Fiji, building a water tower and a few houses for a village there. Thailand was a very unsure possibility, because besides one contact living there, the leaders didn't really have any plans for going there.
    So, we were told to write our choices down, with explanations of why, and hand them in to Josie, our main leader. Thailand was weighing heavy on my heart and that was a place we could go and actually be fully involved with helping victims of trafficking/ prostitution. But, the only way going there would become a reality was if quite a few other people from our group felt called to go there also. And only one wild card option could happen. So that was a 50/50 chance cut into another 50/50 chance. The difficult part was we weren't really allowed to talk to each other about where we wanted to go so that our decisions wouldn't be swayed by anyone. I wrote down Thailand as my #1 choice, not knowing whether or not I was getting my hopes up for nothing. I figured I would most likely be heading to the Middle East, as that was my #2 choice. 

     Today, the leaders told us we were going to play a game and specifically placed us in three groups. As soon as we were all sorted in our groups, they told us to look around because we were with our new outreach team. One group South Africa. One group Middle East. And...one group THAILAND! And...as I'm sure you've figured out- I was in that group! I was beyond stoked! So, at the end of December, me and 6 others, plus our amazing leader Josie, will be on our way over to live in Thailand for 3 months! Since our trip wasn't already planned out, we basically get to create our own mission trip which will be difficult, but amazing at the same time! As time goes on and more things come up, I'll be sure to keep you all updated.

  Last note for those who pray, etc. Please continue to keep me and my team in your prayers and thoughts. It's pretty easy going right now, but I doubt it will remain that way for the whole time, both here and in Thailand. We are out to fight against some of the greatest evils in our world and Satan would love nothing more than to destroy us. But, we'd love nothing more than to destroy him and fortunately for us, we have an all-powerful, all-knowing, just and loving God on our side...or should I say- we are on His side. :)