Agh, ok, here goes another blog. Two blogs in less than 2 weeks is a little too much if you ask me. But I felt I really needed to write this blog and I had a bit of an "apology" to give. Which, I think this is all rather ridiculous being as I doubt anyone reads this blog anyways? My thinking might just be due the fact that, to be completely honest, I rarely read other people's blogs, so I guess I figure no one reads mine. But, on the off chance people do...I'm going to write this. If people don't...well then, I can be content with this being my on-line journal. That's also ironic because I hate journaling. (If that's even a word.) Anyways, moving on. (A little note to the words ahead- if you are reading them, take the time to read it all, and the second part blog when it comes before you just assume I've gone nuts and am in need of severe Christian reprimand.)
So, in this little blog/journal entry, I just want to say, in regards to some things I said in my last two posts (and only other posts on here at the moment.) I gag a little when I reread them. Why, you may ask? Because I wasn't being completely real. I was, once again, as I've done my entire life, trying to fit in to what I thought all the Christians reading this (assuming people read this) expected of me-"a young, Godly girl out to bring God to the nations." Oh boy. Once again, a little gag reflex going on. So, let me take a second chance at being real and a little more down to earth:
Since I came here, I have been battling with tons and tons of doubts about God and who He is and...ready for it? If He even EXISTS. Yep, I said it. I was almost completely convinced on certain days that there was no possible way that the God of the Bible could exist..and even if He did, He clearly was not who I had been raised to believe He was. Therefore, I determined that I would have to take a "fair and equal" look at ALL religions and beliefs before carefully choosing what best suited my view of the world. (At this point, I'm slightly hoping that I'm right in assuming no one reads this, because this isn't something you would have caught me dead admitting to anyone even a few weeks ago) I set out for New Zealand thinking I would come here, "observe" the Christian faith through "opened" eyes and once done here, move on to study another religion. HA. That was a joke of a plan.
All in all, the last 7 weeks here has been one of the most painful struggles of my life. I became an angry, easily offended, offish person. I had a weight on my shoulders and in my chest that I had never experienced before, and I'm not speaking metaphorically. Some days, it was literally hard for me to breathe, because I felt so consumed with this anger and confusion and doubt. (And I'm sure some would love to argue it was due to a change in elevation, but sensing it came several weeks after being here, I beg to differ.) I started trying to distance myself from the other people here. The only people I was really open and honest with was my "one-on-one" girl, Abby, and my friend Sam. It wasn't that I disliked anyone else or didn't trust them, but I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I just couldn't come to terms with myself and new found lack of belief. I've been raised in a Christian environment all my life. I had never even thought about the possibility of God not existing, I hadn't really thought about it at all. I just took it for granted. If mum and dad and my youth pastor said God existed, then, sure, He existed. That was immature thinking on my part, and it lead to my world being shaken up hardcore. But, as weird as it may sound, I'm thankful that it happened. Because it broke my preconceived, shallow beliefs that there was a God merely because I had been told so. For the first time, I had to looked at myself and the world around me and seriously questioned-How the crap did we all get here and why the crap is the world so screwed up? I had alot of questions to ask, and alot of answers to find, and little did I realize, I had been placed in the best spot possible to begin to unravel things.
It's getting late here and I think this blog is already long enough, so I'm going to break here. I'll post the second part tomorrow hopefully. I highly doubt anyone is too bummed by that, because I highly doubt there's anyone reading this, excitedly anticipating the "sequel." But that is fine by me. Haha.
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