...Still no deep, meaningful title. Sorry.

See, this is why I should never post blogs in 2 parts. Because, instead of just posting part 2 the day after part 1, as promised, it's now several days later. And as a result, I don't feel as intensely about the issue I started sharing about it part 1. This is why I used to always do any school papers all at one time. Not in stupid outlines, rough drafts, and final drafts. I lose motivation and passion. I don't like to talk about or share personal things unless I'm feeling passionate about them. (This might be a bit of a problem on outreach when we're expected to share on a moments notice...joy.)

     Anywho, all in all, what my conclusion to "part 2" was going to be, is that God doesn't stop existing JUST because I stop believing. He doesn't change or become corrupted just because someone has a false view of Him. Most of us are always going to have questions and doubts about God and what He's "letting" happen in our world. But it's up to us to CHOOSE to believe in His justness (I'm really not sure if that's a word or not. Hopefully you get what I mean.) and absolute love for us. People tend to just sit around going "touch me Jesus! Touch me!" Well, in the words of last weeks speaker (who was very, very, SUPERBLY loud.) "Why don't you get up and touch Him yourself???" Sound harsh? It is. Well, when said like that. But really, it's amazing because it means God is always there, asking "what do you want?" (And let's be mature people. I'm not talking in terms of ponies and barbies.) We just have to make the choice to acknowledge Him and that He is exactly who He says He IS.
    
Now, those words that I just typed, might sound like I'm pointing them at you. And, in a way, I guess I am, since I wrote them here and not in a personal journal. And if they help you at all, then woot woot! 10 points for blogging. However, the main point of me writing them was to share with you where I am at in my life with God. I still have doubts about God. It's not like they just magically disappeared because I heard all that last week. They didn't even go away after a couple of days of me "consciously" choosing to believe in God. It's an on-going process. Some days it's easier, other days...well, ya know. But all in all, I am so thankful for the fact that there is a God who not only loves my flippin guts, but is unchanging and just in all His ways. Meaning-He's all-powerful AND all-loving. Take that and rewind it back. Yes, I did just say that. And as tempted as I am to erase it and pretend I never wrote such a phrase...I'll leave it there, in hopes (once again), that no one reads this.
And one last little note, I find everything I just said rather humorous in the fact that if anyone reading this does not believe in God- you probably think there's a lot of fault with everything I just said. And there very well could be. Often times I even think there is. BUT, if God is truly TRULY true...then just because you don't agree with what I just said, doesn't change God one bit. Think about it-if He's real and unchanging, then He doesn't stop existing just because you don't believe in Him. I say that, not to "push" it down people's throats (because I hate when Christians do that), but merely because I think the whole theory in itself is rather amusing. Even more so if it's true. Which, I believe it is. But that doesn't really matter now does it?
     So, there you have it. My thoughts for...the entire last 2 months. In two blogs. And, hopefully a bit more real without the little, cheesy Christianese quips here and there. (Though, they may occasionally pop up due to lack of other phrases available to describe what I want to say. But, worry not. It will be followed by a sincere apology.)

On a happy note though- on Sunday me and 8 others from the group took a day trip to Rotorua, other wise known as Roto-vegas. It's one of the biggest tourist towns in New Zealand, so obviously, we went. While there we went zorbing (sticking yourself in a giant, human-sized hamster ball getting rolled down a hill, anyone?), relaxed in natural (free) hot springs in the middle of the jungle, and went sight-seeing at a geo-thermal park that seemed like something out of Jurassic Park. If a velociraptor had popped out of the bushes, I wouldn't have been surprised. Scared crapless, but not surprised.

I can't think of a deep, touching title so, this will have to do.

Agh, ok, here goes another blog. Two blogs in less than 2 weeks is a little too much if you ask me. But I felt I really needed to write this blog and I had a bit of an "apology" to give. Which, I think this is all rather ridiculous being as I doubt anyone reads this blog anyways? My thinking might just be due the fact that, to be completely honest, I rarely read other people's blogs, so I guess I figure no one reads mine. But, on the off chance people do...I'm going to write this. If people don't...well then, I can be content with this being my on-line journal. That's also ironic because I hate journaling. (If that's even a word.) Anyways, moving on. (A little note to the words ahead- if you are reading them, take the time to read it all, and the second part blog when it comes before you just assume I've gone nuts and am in need of severe Christian reprimand.)
 So, in this little blog/journal entry, I just want to say, in regards to some things I said in my last two posts (and only other posts on here at the moment.) I gag a little when I reread them. Why, you may ask? Because I wasn't being completely real. I was, once again, as I've done my entire life, trying to fit in to what I thought all the Christians reading this (assuming people read this) expected of me-"a young, Godly girl out to bring God to the nations." Oh boy. Once again, a little gag reflex going on. So, let me take a second chance at being real and a little more down to earth:
     Since I came here, I have been battling with tons and tons of doubts about God and who He is and...ready for it? If He even EXISTS. Yep, I said it. I was almost completely convinced on certain days that there was no possible way that the God of the Bible could exist..and even if He did, He clearly was not who I had been raised to believe He was. Therefore, I determined that I would have to take a "fair and equal" look at ALL religions and beliefs before carefully choosing what best suited my view of the world. (At this point, I'm slightly hoping that I'm right in assuming no one reads this, because this isn't something you would have caught me dead admitting to anyone even a few weeks ago) I set out for New Zealand thinking I would come here, "observe" the Christian faith through "opened" eyes and once done here, move on to study another religion. HA. That was a joke of a plan.

     All in all, the last 7 weeks here has been one of the most painful struggles of my life. I became an angry, easily offended, offish person. I had a weight on my shoulders and in my chest that I had never experienced before, and I'm not speaking metaphorically. Some days, it was literally hard for me to breathe, because I felt so consumed with this anger and confusion and doubt. (And I'm sure some would love to argue it was due to a change in elevation, but sensing it came several weeks after being here, I beg to differ.) I started trying to distance myself from the other people here. The only people I was really open and honest with was my "one-on-one" girl, Abby, and my friend Sam. It wasn't that I disliked anyone else or didn't trust them, but I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I just couldn't come to terms with myself and new found lack of belief. I've been raised in a Christian environment all my life. I had never even thought about the possibility of God not existing, I hadn't really thought about it at all. I just took it for granted. If mum and dad and my youth pastor said God existed, then, sure, He existed. That was immature thinking on my part, and it lead to my world being shaken up hardcore. But, as weird as it may sound, I'm thankful that it happened. Because it broke my preconceived, shallow beliefs that there was a God merely because I had been told so. For the first time, I had to looked at myself and the world around me and seriously questioned-How the crap did we all get here and why the crap is the world so screwed up? I had alot of questions to ask, and alot of answers to find, and little did I realize, I had been placed in the best spot possible to begin to unravel things.
      It's getting late here and I think this blog is already long enough, so I'm going to break here. I'll post the second part tomorrow hopefully. I highly doubt anyone is too bummed by that, because I highly doubt there's anyone reading this, excitedly anticipating the "sequel." But that is fine by me. Haha.

The Cave

Mumford and Sons has been by far one of my favorite bands while here in New Zealand. "The Cave" is definitely one of their greater songs, but to be honest, I had never really payed attention to the lyrics.(It's hard to when you're busy doing the river dance and Irish jig every time the song plays.) Well, yesterday, our new speaker for the week, Mark Parker, played it and put up the lyrics...and may I just say- mind blown. I didn't realize how incredibly relevant this song is to what I'm experiencing here in YWAM...I dare say, it's what we are ALL experiencing here. I'm starting to learn how to live my life how it's meant to be And it's amazing. Tough, but so amazing. It reminds me why I'm even here in the first place...for the widows and the orphans, for the poor and the oppressed, for justice and love, for JESUS. So, I couldn't help but put up the words for all ya'll to see. Oh, and if you haven't heard the song..well, get on it! Youtube is a beautiful thing.

The Cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again